Now Hiring: New Facebook Friend

I am happy to announce that I have decided to increase my number of facebook friends. Currently i enjoy four facebook pals, but i have set my sights on increasing that number by one.

Currently, my facebook is just a mirror of my twitter, but I’m left wondering if it could be more. In the past i only friended someone if it would actually improve our friendship. But now, I am looking for someone who can expand the facebook platform for me, however mildly.

Now, I don’t want to do this friend-shopping myself. This decision is not based entirely on laziness. Ya see, normally I would approach this the same way I would when buying technology: months of exhaustive research, data collation and feature comparison. Considering that’s how much work I invest in gadgetry, deciding on a person would probably be impossible

So you need to apply. I’m hiring someone to make the facebook side of my life more interesting.

Be warned; this job may not be for you. I am rarely a ‘liker’. If you’re looking for validation, this is not something I will supply. I’m not looking to extend my circle by being brought into yours. I simply don’t have the time to orient myself with your context so I can enjoy some inside jokes. If you use facebook to relate personal information so insignificant you wouldn’t bring it up in actual conversation (because it’s either insignificant, obvious, or both), that’s not for me. Optimally, I want my new facebook friend to offer the same virtues as the other media I ingest; relevance at-a-glance.

But then there is the off chance you are interesting enough to change my opinion on the above requirements, and on a larger scale, change how I use facebook.

I need the kind of person who thinks before updating a status. Someone who hand picks what ends up in a photo album. Content creators, photographers, filmmakers, designers – you have a leg up on this competition. Because i’m the uppity immature guy.

Do you have what it takes? Do you have the content? The humor? The unabashed puerility it would take to entertain me? Most importantly, do you even care?

It’s time you found out.

Send me what you must to convince me. Anything text-based should be no longer than one page. Links Bit.ly’d. Movies under 3 minutes. Pictures at least PG-13.

Also, your last 10 status updates. (the page listing these updates doesn’t count against your one-page text requirement).

Apply by sending an email to ionserious97@gmail.com

Avatarded

Even though this post title is just a joke – a joke designed to make you concerned Avatar is some poor outcome to unchartable marketing, technical, and fanyboy hype – i feel bad typing it. 

As i watched the midnight premiere, in a theatre with about 30 people in it, i kept thinking that there is no way to review Avatar. Of course, it was 2:30am and i was still conceiving what had happened. To give a preliminary soundbite, Avatar is great. Can i sum it up with "this is the best movie of X"? No. What i can say is that Avatar is up to par with everything else Cameron has done, and he even manages to surpass himself at times. If you love Cameron, you will leave this movie with a man-rection. It will run into two main problems though: Reviewers, and the cynical. 

And man, do i love Cameron. Let me explain my disposition towards the man so i cant be completely accused of illogical Fanboyism. I love Cameron. The guy just makes movies. He doesnt make a lot of them, and when he does, its an audible glove-slap to everyone else making movies. He has always been one of my most respected filmmakers. A man who can sell anti-war sentiment with a gatling gun. Who can make a parable about nuclear disarmament with an underwater oil rig and minisub chase. The guy brave enough to make a movie where the audience knows the point, the ending, and the climax, and set box-office records that approach insanity. He is responsible with special effects, using them as more than just spectacle. The guy just knows how to make movies. He's Spielberg with military-like self control. When my students would vocalize any doubts for this movie, i had a tough time not taking that as a personal attack. He has not made a bad movie. (Dont even bring up titanic – its shlocky, and he was trying his hardest to make a schlocky movie.) 

The main thing that makes Avatar so hard to review is, of course, its technical prowess. This movie is a game changer, in the same way Toy Story changed things. Is it Cotton Gin relevant? As historically important as the steam engine? No. But in the same way people look back at Toy Story as a moment that changed what we thought could succeed on film emotionally and visually; Avatar is the second coming of that. This is what Zemeckis hoped to do with his recent string of pain, as if Zemekis hasnt heard of the uncanny valley. Cameron has made a film where the special effects are so convincing, they cease to matter. The special effects are not only used responsibly, he is supremely confident in this world – his camera work is beyond organic, he never uses the impossible angles this kind of technology makes possible. You look at Avatar's scenes with the same kinda awe you reserve for looking at pictures of the Grand Canyon. The result is something so realistic, with movement and grace so natural, that you are sold pretty early.  He has flattened out the graph line of the uncanny valley, putting a shine on the real and brilliantly merging it with CG footage. A remarkable approach in my mind. 

Now for the two main hurdles for Avatar: reviewers and cynics. The Cynics part is easy: there are people who wont buy in. People who see it more important to sit back and go "Pffft. Looks like every other CG movie", who dont know enough about the process to respect what is going on in front of their eyes. The reviewers are tougher. These are people who see a lot of movies, and i feel they tend to overstate things as to excite the casual moviegoer (which they clearly regard as retarded). Like your tweet i just read – "the 3D will make you vomit". Thats bullshit. Thats people not thinking about what they are saying and overstating because they feel they need to sell this film. To reel junkies like yourself, phrases like that set up unrealistic expectations. You know more than the casual moviegoer but yet you are exposed to the same ridiculous overstatement because reviewers that dont matter (who are usually the loudest) cant stop and think about what they are saying. Do yourself a favor, for every "ZOMG" you read, throw an intelligent pinch of salt over your shoulder and realize these are people who trying to talk about something great and special without concern for how articulate they may or may not be being. 

Now. Disregarding the technical achievements, we can get to the movie itself. A movie so strong that the only thing people are left to examine is its technical merit.

This is a Cameron film. If you are familiar with his catalog, then this will be a warm, comforting place to be. He made a movie that manages to combine the best things about all his movies, and a few he hasnt made yet. He managed to make a superior dragon rider movie, a competent and pertinent love story, an non-over bearing moral tale, a wildly interesting sci-fi film, and an action movie i must lovingly describe as Vintage Cameron. It smacks of Aliens, Terminator, Titanic and The Abyss. Not in a way where you think he has run out of ideas, but in a way where you realize he is a master at using Campbells heroes journey, and these are "the old stories". His anti-corporation sentiments are there. His anti-war thoughts are there. His love for science exploration is there. His need to pay attention the effect of large events play on human emotion is there. He gives all of those things full attention, none suffer for the other. (geek side note, this has to be a side effect of The Abyss, where he was forced to shorten it and make a new ending because studio execs didnt think people would sit for 3 hours in a theatre). 

The most important thing i can mention is that he doesnt let the morality overbear. I always get itchy when i feel like a movie is telling me not to pollute or some shit. This movie, with themes we can label "Ferngully-esque", never crosses that line where you feel like you need to recycle your 40oz mountain dew bottle after the film, lest some tree creature die. In fact, the only critisism he relays are some fleeting comments to terrorism and 'shock and awe'. 

Cameron makes tight, strong scripts. There isnt a lot of jibba jabba, and then you get a scene where you are driving down a road at midnight shot from the cars perspective with a great monologue. This movie, almost 3 hours, has a few of those moments. The rest is razor trim. Some of the actors arent up to the task, but the visuals always are. Surprisingly weak was Ripley, who didnt seem to move around this world with the same amount of ease (maybe thats the point though?...) It has moments where its not his best writing, but the movie also ends in a way that makes you wonder if those awkward moments had a purpose.

But story wise, its a very strong film. I can only compare it to reviewing LOTR, where you cant sum up the finer points of a movie of such scope. Now that the engine is created, i think it will take a long time for someone to use this technology as responsibly as Cameron. But these are his strengths, he is comfortable in these new, giant worlds, more comfortable than most – He shoots underwater using real submarines. He makes 3D imax documentaries that take place in hellish environments. He makes movies like Aliens even though he faced opposition from just about everyone. Just like we get 14 crappy CG animated films for every pixar film, it will take a long time for studios to find someone who can really use this technology. 

Finally, and least important, the 3D is the best i have ever seen. I hate 3D. I hate it. I avoid it. I think its a gimmick that needs to disappear. Cameron made a 3D movie where you arent sitting there waiting for the characters to jab the screen with their spear. Like the rest of the visuals, its just part of the experience. Considering normal 3D makes me want to vomit, this 3D had me really really loving the technology. 

And thats it. Is it the best movie ever? Is it even best picture fodder? No and probably not. But this is an great movie for all its reasons and complexities. If i had to overstate and go fanboy – He has created a normal, albeit wonderful, movie experience from scratch. And i do mean from scratch. He created the planet, and the people, and the animals, where he shot this film. I havent felt transported to a new place in this fashion since, say...dark crystal. When i was fuckin single digits.